“I Make Hamburgers” by The Whitlams is a brilliant, satirical character study of a suburban lothario who uses his job at a fast-food counter as his personal hunting ground. The song’s core meaning is a first-person, boastful monologue from a “fast-food Casanova” who believes his burger-flipping job makes him a near-irresistible “player.” The entire song is, in fact, his cynical and comedic chat-up line, as he tells the story of his romantic “conquests” to his next target: the “you” he is speaking to.
This 1995 track, from the album Undeniably, is a perfect example of The Whitlams’ early style. Led by Tim Freedman, the band is famous for its witty, narrative, and piano-driven songs that act as sharp, often poignant, vignettes of Australian life. This song is a work of pure satire, a pitch-perfect skewering of a certain type of “bloke” bravado, where a man’s entire self-worth and sexual prowess is built around his mundane job.
Verse 1: The Counter as a Hunting Ground
The song opens by establishing the narrator’s “system.” He does not need to go out to meet women; they come to him. His first customer, “Megan,” is a vegetarian. His “clever” and pedantic reply (“Hey that’s a salad roll I said”) is his version of a witty opening. It is comically mundane, yet it works: “we started going out.”
The narrator sees himself as a smooth, irresistible charmer, but his methods are transparently cheesy. His second customer, “Susan,” buys a Diet Pepsi. He swoops in with a line that is both flattering and a bit patronizing: “You don’t need to be on a diet.” It is a corny, unoriginal move, but again, it works. He immediately asks her out. This verse establishes the narrator’s supreme confidence in his own “game.”
Chorus 1: The “Gringo” Ploy
The first chorus reveals the next stage of the narrator’s seduction plan. He is not a man of means, but he has access to one: his friend “Gringo,” who “has a lot of money.” The narrator’s idea of a high-class date is getting Gringo to take them to “bars where they’ve got a view.”
The song perfectly satirizes this “suburban” idea of sophistication. The pinnacle of this fancy life is drinking “beers they give it to you in bottles.” This is a clear reference to imported beers like Corona, which, in 1995 Australia, were seen as exotic and worldly. His deadpan, understated review, “they put lemon in the top it don’t taste too bad,” is a hilarious attempt to sound like a seasoned connoisseur. This chorus reveals he is a social parasite, using his rich friend as a lure to impress his dates.
Verse 2: The Escalation of a “Player”
The second verse details the narrator’s escalating “success.” “Maria” comes in for hot chips, and her request for “more sauce” is, to him, a sign of a sensual, kindred spirit. “Now you’re talking,” he says, and this simple connection leads to him meeting her mother—a sign that his “charm” is working on a deeper level.
His fourth customer, “Sandy,” is his ultimate triumph. She comes in for “nothing I could see / ‘Cept me.” This is the moment of pure validation. He has transcended his job; he himself has become the product. His ego is fully inflated.
This leads to the song’s crudest and most telling joke. He boasts that he “was eating a hamburger of sorts within an hour.” This crude, sexual innuendo confirms that the narrator’s entire “dating” system is a game, and his only goal is sexual conquest. He is not a romantic; he is a “player” keeping score.
Chorus 2: The Thesis and The Twist
The second chorus is the narrator’s proud, central thesis. “I make hamburgers I get all the girls,” he boasts. He is a “suburban lothario” who gives all the women “a whirl.”
He then reveals his cynical, non-committal philosophy: “If they work I keep ’em If they don’t I keep ’em too.” This line is the key to his bravado. He is a collector. “Working” (as in, a functional relationship) is completely irrelevant. He has no standards and no “off” switch; his only goal is accumulation.
But the song’s true genius is in the final line of this chorus. After bragging about his conquests, he reveals who he is talking to: “But I teach ’em all how to be d-d-d-d-dirty girls… like you.”
This direct address—”like you”—is the entire point. The song snaps into focus. The narrator is not just telling a story to his friends; he is in the middle of his next seduction. The entire song is his chat-up line, delivered to the new woman standing at his counter.
The stutter on “d-d-d-d-dirty” is a performative, lecherous affectation. By saying “like you,” he is paying her a crude, backhanded compliment. He is implying that she already has the “dirty” qualities he is looking for. It is his final, laziest, and most direct “move.”
Conclusion: A Satire of “Bloke” Bravado
“I Make Hamburgers” is a masterful piece of satirical storytelling. The Whitlams create a vivid, flawed, and deeply funny character. The narrator is a man who has built an entire “player” persona around the most mundane job imaginable. He genuinely believes he is a “Don Juan” of the deep-fryer. The song’s brilliance is its final reveal: this entire, elaborate boast about his past is just a well-rehearsed, greasy-fingered pickup line, delivered with a confident wink to his next “customer.”